Kirsty's Space

Well finishing collage wasn’t a high point for me because even though it was only a few weeks in since I’d finished I was already bored with such a lack of things to do before I got my puppy. The 29th of June seemed to follow the same pattern…until something quite extraordinary came into my life…well came back into it more like. I seemed to be finding most of my old mates on Bebo witch was a good thing in itself but the last thing I expected was one of them to find me. To be honest though that was my own doing because I sent a comment to Laura Marshall. I didn’t know it then but that turned out to be the best thing I’d ever done. Apparently she was a friend of Aran Henwood. Now as far back as I can remember, me & him were always very close, he was the only one in the classes we were in while we were together who was there for me where as others didn't want a thing to do with me. I tell you, the day he left Millbrook I can’t even explain how sad I was for losing the only person who cared about me. The thing is that from the moment I saw him fell in love with him but I was far too young to understand anything about it & I was scared of losing him altogether if I said something but that didn't stop me regretting not saying anything. I really tried to tell him on the day we left & he was comforting me because I was so upset about the possibility of never seeing him again but I found it too difficult to say the words. They say there’s the one person you keep in your heart forever & I’d found it in Aran. I had seen him at collage a couple of times & one of those was when he held the door open for me & Natalie & I thought “If that’s him he hasn’t changed much” Yet again I had to regret not saying something to him & when I saw the first comment he sent me I was overjoyed because I had let him slip away from me twice & I wasn’t going to let it happen a third time. The love of my life was back in it & I was never going to let him go again. It was sadly very brief as he had to pick up his sister from her school, & soon after he got back I had to go off but I said to him “Thanks for commenting me, I’d thought I’d lost you” I didn’t have to wait too long to talk to him again because he was on the next day & it was wonderful as we soon discovered that we were so alike. One thing I needed to be sure of is had he moved on? Surely someone that was so kind & caring had met the girl for him? But when I asked him he said that no one had even took notice of him let alone ask him to be with them. I’ll never forget what he said to me after I told him that it was the same for me. He said, “You know what I think the problem is? It’s the fact that people only look at you because of your problem & that they don’t see the person inside of you, it’s been that way for me since I was born & I’m so used to it now that I don’t even bother trying to find someone” I could not believe it because my mum had told me exactly the same. The Aran I saw & fell in love with all those years ago had become so much more. On that subject there’s something else that we have in common we both had met people that looked to be by us all they could, but then strangely turned on us when it wasn’t even our fault. On his side it was with Laura & it happened to him that very year at collage & before that at his school (Isebrook I think it is) with a girl called Katie. On my end it was a boy called Christopher & It was when I was at Manor school where I had suffered so much because so many didn't want a thing to do with me they just didn't want to help, get to know or understand me. & I’d lost Natalie Wilson too who left Millbrook at the same time as Aran did & she too got separated from me. It was like me against them but then Chris entered my life. He seemed to take quite a shine to me, & it felt wonderful, every time I needed something he was there to lend a hand & he even promised me that if I needed him in any situation, all I needed to do was ask him & he'd be there. Were we actually meant for each other? Well it certainly looked like it. The way we always seemed to help each other & the fact that we always seemed to be together made it look so right. So eventually I texted him to see if he wanted to give us a try but he said no, he wouldn't try me if I was the last girl on earth, I asked him why but he didn't reply. When I went back to school I instantly went to look for him to tell him I was sorry but he said he didn't care & he was wrong about me & that I was just not worth it anymore. & From that moment that was it, all because I loved him he like everyone else wanted nothing more to do with me & it broke my heart. Then he completely changed, he stopped helping me & caring about me, practically everything we once shared was gone. Everyone around me somehow knew what was wrong with me because I felt so down but nobody asked me about it. Then I met Corinna Parker. "Hi kiddo...Hey I know you Kirsty Stanley right the one that hangs around with Christopher? Hey you alright?" "Oh Hiya yes I was..." "Was? What do you mean?" "Well he's not talking to me anymore" "Why you two are inseparable" "Yeah that's why...I wanted to be with him so I asked to give us a try but he just said no...Here look" I showed her my phone. "Awww that's sick of him & to a sweet girl like you as well" I was so upset I’d been reminded of him & I cried. "Hey don't cry kiddo there's surly someone out there for you because there's someone for everyone" "You know what you might be right" "Why have you got someone in mind?" "Yeah as it happens, what's your name? "The names Corinna" "Well Corinna if you hear anything on a Aran Henwood could you let me know?" "Well I’ve never heard of him but ok you'll be the first to know" The heartache I’d suffered with Chris had inspired me to track Aran down but me, Corinna or nobody else heard anything about him so finding him on Bebo was a godsend to me. When he told about what happened to him with Katie & Laura I couldn’t believe it. I felt so sorry for him because that was very similar to what I suffered at school. “Awww Aran that's so not fair two girls turned on you because you loved them" Well I guess I’m just not cut out to be a boyfriend to anyone it's like why do so many what to be with the one you love?" "Well I won’t change for anyone or anything, I like who I am now & finding you again is the reason why & I mean that” He was on again the day after & once again he was proving why I’ve loved him from the moment I met him. For some reason he thanked me for everything I had done for him when actually he had done everything I ever needed someone to do for me, then he wrote a Bebo column about me, & I was thinking “Oh my god have I really done that much for him? Do I mean so much to him? One line I’ll never forget when he first wrote that is “Finding her again is like an Angel falling from the sky to help me” Not only that he then told me that I had the goldest heart in the world which he’ll hold close to his heart & never let go & that as long as he was around no one was ever going to hurt me. Now that worried me a bit because the truth is that I owed him the favour so I wanted to protect him, he brought me to tears when he replied saying that I was so vulnerable to anything & he’d rather risk hurting himself rather then me take it for him. Finding him after so long being without him was like being brought back to life because every time we talked to each other during the week he made me feel alive, he was just like he was before. Everything he had said & done for me was amazing. No one had ever cared for me so much. I had to ask him if he meant everything he had said & done for me & he replied saying “I mean that more than anything I’ve ever said, more then anything I’ll ever own & more importantly more than anything in the world” I couldn’t believe what I was reading, I was speechless. At that moment the love I had for him at primary school grew so much so quickly because if I meant the world to him, then he meant the same to me. Eventually my feelings went out of my control I loved him so much & this time I was going to let him know about it. I wasn’t going to hold back anymore. The only thing standing in my way was probably fate itself because of what happened with Christopher, but a friend I was with at the time told me to just go for it & just tell him so It was a case of now or never, I had to tell him how I felt about him because I knew I’d regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t. “Look Aran I know how much you like Laura but do you think you’d ever feel the same for me?” he replied “Well judging by how things turned out I doubt me & Laura will ever be like that now. You? You must be joking” “But Aran I’m not, why would I joke about something like this can’t you give us a try?” I knew no one else had asked him this by the way he was acting & he knew exactly what I was asking him but he wasn’t having it & he tried to push me away. "What is this some sort of joke? I'm sorry but it ain't ever happening" But he was up against it because I was just as determined to have him, as he was to make it clear that this wasn’t going to happen, but as hard as I tried I couldn’t convince him I just couldn’t understand why he didn’t feel the same as me, I thought of any possible reason, did I do something wrong? Or didn’t he want me? "Don't you ever want me then?" but all he said before I went was “It's not that I just I don’t think I can cope with it” I was so numb I couldn’t move. “It’s not fair” I thought to myself. I just cried…it was all I could do. It felt like the Christopher scenario all over again only this time it was worse because I loved Aran more then anything & it was probably the only chance I had left of being with someone but just like before I had found that one special boy in my life but he doesn't feel the same. The day after that I went back on hoping that it wasn’t too late to tell him how sorry I was. I couldn’t bear losing him now but I honestly expected him to tell me to leave his life & never talk to him again like Christopher did, but when I came on it was totally different to that I noticed that he had written a blog about me & it was the most beautiful thing I had ever read in my life. “Oh my god has he changed his mind?” I wondered, in a mail I found, he put that if it made me that happy I could go for it. But I didn’t want to rush him into it, he then said, “You haven’t rushed me into anything there were just things I never noticed at the time, you’ve meant so much to me lately, you’re everything I ever wanted in someone & to be honest you’re the only thing on earth that matters to me now” I couldn’t believe it. Finley after so much sadness & one lost love I had found someone special & what was even better is that he was the one I loved from the moment my eyes met his I had always wanted to be as close to him as I could get & now I had my dream come true, he made me so happy & I wasn’t going to let him out of my life ever again. & Even though sometimes he was so unsure about this because he was worried about people trying to split us up I just reassured him because I wasn’t going to let anyone take him away from me, or take me away from him I firmly believed that we could be together forever, he had made me the happiest girl alive. There was a point where I thought I’d lost him forever. An argument had started between someone, his friend Amy & her sister Christine. Aran was dragged into it before I came on & when I did I was brought in too. I just hung back & tried to figure out what was going on, I realised that the person he was siding with in the whole thing turned out to be Laura. Now strange as it seems she was one of the people that he was worried about coming between us but I knew Aran would help her regardless. The Lodder sister’s weren’t happy with the fact & I started to worry & I tried to get him out of there because I didn’t want him hurt by them but he went completely mad at me, "Hang on what are you saying? Laura will split us up? Why would you think that" "Whoa? Aran your worried about her as much I am" "Why you..." & what was worse was that it seemed he wanted me to do that so he could try & get rid of me. "You know what you might not have been joking about this, but I was! I wasn't with you, you never even had me, there's nothing for you to hold on to " "What do you mean"? "You know exactly what I mean!" "W-what? Why?" I refused to believe it but he sounded like he wasn’t joking because he then went to Amy & Christine & told them exactly the same. I was devastated while Amy & Christine were furious with him because like me they couldn’t understand what Aran was doing. "Hang on Aran why are you leaving her?" "To get my life back” I had to fight back. “Aran you brought this on yourself when you told me that you did feel the same as me” “No Kirsty I did that to shut you up because I knew you weren’t gonna drop it if I didn't say yes” “WHAT?!” Amy & Christine said together stunned. “Well what else could I do guys her feelings for me just came outta nowhere” I tried to talk to him “Aran I fell in love with you because of the way you’ve been looking out for me & I believed in you I thought I could spend the rest of my life with you I saw me & you with a future” "Now your just being pathetic look caring about you wasn't a lie I’m not like that but being with was, although now I wish I never even found you & cared about you then my life wouldn’t have been in ruins & none of this would have happened!” “Oh Aran why not? I can’t help how I felt about you for god’s sake! What you have done for me is so much more then anybody else would have done. I simply loved you because you’ve cared for me in ways no one has even thought of. How on earth do you expect me to control my feelings when you’ve done so much for me?” “Well maybe your feelings for me shouldn’t have started in the first place but your just like every other person you get one rush of love for someone & then you jump in no questions asked” “Really? I guess we share that too I mean you did that with Laura didn’t you?” “What? I so did not” he said “Typical boy…Loving someone more then their own girlfriend “Look Kirsty what’s the point just leave him & forget all about him we all know you can do better then him” “Amy you’re wrong” I said “Why?” she asked back, I replied. “Because no one I might ever be with will ever be like him” then Christine shot in. “Yeah she’s right no one will ever be like him because they probably won’t leave her” “No probably not” I said back “But I don’t mean it like that, I mean no one will ever be as kind & caring as he was” “Oh quit it with the pity already would you I’m already ill & all this is just depressing me further Aran finely said. “Aran it’s not pity it’s the truth...what! Your ill oh god are you ok please tell me your ok" "Don't you say another word I’ve had it with you!" "Oh Aran...You're breaking my heart I can't believe you'd do this to me this isn't the boy I loved" I cried like I’d never cried before I assumed it was over between him & me, I didn't want to believe it but it seemed the more I fought for him the further away he was, so I changed everything I had that was connected to him but for some reason he didn't do the same. "Aran Amy said to him I’m curious, Kirsty has changed everything she had about you...how come you haven’t?” “Who says I have to change anything?” “But you’ve made it clear that you want nothing more to do with her & yet you haven’t changed your sayings & pictures, it’s all still there” “So? What’s your point?” Aran replied but it was true I went on his Bebo & not a thing had changed. “His Bebo’s still the same too he’s not changed anything on that either” I was curious but I gave up all hope, but strangely when Amy & Christine kept persuading me to leave him he replied “Hey Amy, Christine stay outta this, this has nothing to do with you I’ll deal with this myself” “But why should we? You’ve just used the only love you might ever have” “Aran being with you makes me happy …It’s the only thing I need…it’s all I want…why can’t you understand that”? “Kirsty…I can’t answer that…There’s just no way for you & me” “fine Aran have it your way I give up, I just want you to remember this ok?" You've just made me feel how you felt every time you lost Laura I've never ever been upset like this before it's like watching you walk away & I'm never going to see you again…In fact that's probably what it is isn't it?" "Kirsty I…" "Let me finish, Aran I don't know how to say this but I'm sorry…. I'm sorry I made you chose & if I did pull you away from Laura I'm so so sorry for that too. I had no choice though, try to understand that falling in love with you wasn't an act it was all real. You were like a dream come true, I had faith in you & I believed in you, I loved you so much it's more then you know…I would have done anything for you I swear it” I couldn’t stand this anymore I had to get out of there & just cry my eyes out because I felt so bad that I had made a mistake, but then everybody else did too. I came back on later Amy, Christine & Laura were on but Aran wasn't. "Amy I wonder what's happened to Aran I sure hope he's alright" "Oh I’m sure he's fine now he's left you" "No he's not his Sister said he was crying" "Well that's his own fault" "Amy stop it" "Oh don't tell me you still love him oh my god" "Believe what you want but I’ll love him no matter how he feels" "Guys where's Aran?" "Oh hi Laura, I said, I don't know why?" "Guys I can't come back to collage he's gonna be so upset" "Ha serves him right" Amy said "AMY!" "Kirsty stop defending him" "Have I missed something?" Laura asked "No not really except he's left me" "Aran left you? That's not like him at all…Look Kirsty you go off & get some sleep" "What about you?" "I'll stay on & deal with Aran when he comes on, I’ll talk him round he always listens to me" "Laura did you say your not coming back? Oh no he will be heartbroken” "I know…Can I tell you something? I think he loves me” “How’d you know?” “I’ve noticed it all year ever since we started he’s acted…well…different it wasn’t easy to see at first but when I got with Reggie he cried his heart out, I’d never seen him cry like that & I instantly noticed that it was because of me then Graham started talking about it but when I asked Aran he said it wasn’t true, strangely Reg leaving me didn’t cheer him up, at the time I didn’t know why. I got with Daryl during the camping residential & when the ones that didn’t come (Aran was one of them) I wanted to try & keep him from knowing it so he wasn’t hurt but somehow he figured it out, he didn’t cry but he looked like he wanted to & never stop, so I asked him about it again but he said it wasn’t me again I just don't get why he won't tell me, has he ever mentioned it to you?" "As a matter of fact he has" "Oh no I think I know why he's left you then" "huh?" "Daryl left me for Christine not long ago Aran knows that but not that I’m not coming back, he must think that now Daryl's left me he'll think he might have a chance" "Well if you ever got with him Laura he might leave you like he did Kirsty" "I doubt that Amy" "Laura just out of interest would he have had a chance with you?" "Of course I’ve known him all my life I actually wanted to be with him but he always said that he never wanted a girlfriend so I assumed he would never feel the same as I do" "Oh Laura you make me sick, Amy said mark my words he wouldn't be with you for five minutes even if he'd never leave you you'd probably leave him within a week" "Well let me tell you something Amy the difference between him & all my other boyfriends is that he's like a younger brother to me, a brother I never had, he was always there everywhere I looked, he always protected me & if I’m honest I did love him & still do actually" "God Laura you're pathetic" "Amy get out of here" I said, & she did. "Don't listen you her, so why didn't you tell him how you felt?" I asked "I don't know really it's just he always kept saying he didn't want anybody" "Maybe he was saying that to assure you that if he ever got with you he'd stick with you" "Maybe but I feel so guilty about being turned away from him but you've got to understand it wasn't my fault" I never thought I would but I cried when she said that. "Laura...I...I'm so sorry I had no idea..." "Hey why are you sorry? It's me who should be sorry if it wasn't for me maybe you two would still be together" "Look don't worry you tell him ok, & when we come back in September I’ll look after him I promise" "Ok thank you I just hope he takes it well" "Laura you & me both know that he won't I just hope he'll still love me" "Don't worry I’ll talk to him about that, he always thinks I’m right" "& bring yourself to tell him how you feel too I think he’ll really like that, it would really cheer him up with his mum being ill" "I can't see the point if I’m never gonna see him again" "But maybe if he knows how you feel maybe he won't be as upset though I doubt that very much" "Kirsty I don't know if I’m up to telling him this I don't want to upset him yet again I’ve put him trough enough this year & I’ve hardly helped him at all I reckon he'll actually be glad to see me gone" "No he won't Laura I’m sure of that" "Ok I will thanks & I’ll see what I can do for you too" I had never felt so sorry for someone in my life but Laura meant so much to Aran & I knew that when she told him his heart was going to be shattered & I wasn't there to comfort him. Strangely I had a dream about him that night. I woke up in the morning thinking, “Is he calling out to me?” It seemed he wanted to tell me something because he was talking to me I couldn’t quite figure out exactly what it was he said but he was definitely calling out to me. & When I went on he still hadn’t changed a thing on his Bebo or MSN. “Strange” I thought “there’s a mail from him & he still hasn’t changed anything. The mail explained everything he wouldn’t have come on but he did because talking to me had cheered him up. But he wasn’t very well at all & he couldn’t control what he was saying. He also said that he loved me more then ever before, he never went with me to keep me quiet & what really touched my heart was when it said “Kirsty you don’t need a second chance because I never left you in the first place” & what made it even better was what he said after “I couldn’t sleep at all last night I was just standing there looking outta the window thinking about you” “So that’s why you were in my dream, calling out to me, we were talking to each other & what you have just said to me must have been what you were telling me in my dream Aran listen did Laura tell you"? "Yeah" "Awww I'm so sorry babe I wish it didn't turn out like this what else did she say" "Well strange as it is she was about to say something but then went off" "She must have never told him" I thought "Hey it's ok I’ve got you & that's all I’m gonna need now" "But it doesn't sound fair because I know she means so much to you" "But then I guess you've gotta let go sometime & realise what's best for them" in the end though he was able to tell her himself, being with me must have gave him the strength & courage to tell her & I was so proud of him & happy that Laura felt the same. Ever since then life with him has been perfect. The impact he’s made on my life has been amazing, so amazing that I can tell him anything & everything, I’ve never trusted someone as much as I trust him, I trust & believe in him with my life, every time I see him he makes me feel so special, he has made me feel feelings I thought I’d never feel in my life, I feel so loved around him, he’s basically everything. My love, my brother, my friend & everything in between. I love him with every piece of my heart I can give to him. I just want to put my arms round him & never let go I love it every time he tells me he loves me (Which is a lot of times but that because I tell him I love him just as much) I won’t let anything on earth split us up again & that’s something I’m going to make absolutely sure of because he’s that precious to me now that losing him would just break my heart. Everything about him makes me smile & when I look at him I see my whole world. Whether he’s in my thoughts or right next to me I can’t help but smile because I know we’ll be together forever. I just want to be there for him so much. I truly love him & I’ll never stop loving him because like I said he’s very special to me.

Remember Aran I’ll always be your Angel & everything you ever wanted, you made me who I am now & I’m so grateful for that, I truly want us to last forever. I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve given me, you’re my whole world babe.

It’s me & you forever & now your back in my life I’m not letting you go ever again

& Like you said to me: “I mean that more than anything I’ve ever said, more then anything I’ll ever own & more importantly more than anything in the world”

Oh & before I forget, I know you already know this but I’ll just remind you that I really love you

You made my life worth living again

& you also mended my heart when it was broken I love you so much for that. Thank you so much for absolutely everything babe